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Jokes Blog - thebroadroom.net: June 2005
The Art of Gambling
posted by Colleen Shirazi,
Sunday, June 12, 2005
at 2:37 PM (Pacific)
A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars that she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. But first, she said that she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the rather large amount of money involved. After looking into the bag and seeing bundles of 1,000 dollar bills which could have amounted to 3 million dollars, he called the president's office and saw to it that the old lady met with him.
The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to know the people she did business with on a more personal level.
The president then asked her how she came into such a large amount of money. "Was it inheritance?" he asked. "No," she replied. He was quiet for a minute trying to think where she could have come into $3 million.
"I bet," she stated.
"You bet!" repeated the president. "As in horses?"
"No," she replied, "I bet on people."
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 AM tomorrow your balls will be square." The bank president figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances--there was $25,000 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure that everything was OK. There was no difference, he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00, humming as he went. He knew this would be a good day, how often do you get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?
At 10:00 AM sharp, the little old lady was escorted into his office. With her was a younger man. When the president inquired as to the purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and that she always took him along when there was a large amount of money involved.
"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I always have been, only $25,000 richer!" The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself.
The president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough everything was fine. The president then looked up and saw her lawyer banging his head against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?" the president asked.
"Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 AM this morning that I would have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
 
Rodney Dangerfield jokes
posted by Colleen Shirazi,
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
at 3:05 PM (Pacific)
A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.
And we were poor too. Why I wasn't born a boy... I'd have nothing to play with.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy... Hey buddy...why are you doing that for? He said... Because you came home early.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up a briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My mother never breastfed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
When I was born... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... but he pulled through. My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him... do you think we'll ever find them? He said... I don't know kid... there are so many places they can hide.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him... if you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said... Alright... you're ugly too!
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face... turned me over and said, Look...twins!
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy quotes
posted by Colleen Shirazi,
Saturday, June 04, 2005
at 8:57 AM (Pacific)
I got these from imdb.
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Zaphod Beeblebrox: You mean they want to arrest me over the phone? Could be. I'm a pretty dangerous dude when I'm cornered.
Ford Prefect: Yeah. You fall to pieces so fast that people get hit by the shrapnel.
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Prosser: But the plans were on display.
Arthur Dent: On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar.
Prosser: That's the display department.
Arthur Dent: With a torch.
Prosser: The lights had probably gone.
Arthur Dent: So had the stairs.
Prosser: But you did see the notice, didn't you?
Arthur Dent: Oh, yes. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign outside the door saying "Beware of the Leopard." Ever thought of going into advertising?
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Arthur Dent: You know, it's at times like this, when I'm stuck in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, about to die of asphyxiation in deep space, that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young.
Ford Prefect: Why? What did she tell you?
Arthur Dent: I don't know. I didn't listen.
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Eddie: Hi there. This is Eddie, your shipboard computer, and I'm feeling just great, guys, and I know I'm just going to get a bundle of kicks out of any program you care to run through me.
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Ford Prefect: Zaphod, old mate, I trust you about as far as I could comfortably spit out a rat.
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Arthur Dent: The Earth.
Slartibartfast: Well, the Earth Mark II, in fact. We're making a copy from our original blueprints.
Arthur Dent: Are you telling me you originally *made* the Earth?
Slartibartfast: Oh, yes. Did you ever go to a place - I think it was called Norway?
Arthur Dent: No. No, I didn't.
Slartibartfast: Pity. That was one of mine. Won an award, you know.
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Arthur Dent: You know, this explains a lot. Because all my life, I've had this unaccountable feeling in my bones that something sinister was happening in the universe and that no one would tell me what it was.
Slartibartfast: Oh, no. That's just perfectly normal paranoia. Everyone in the universe has that.
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[Cops corner Zaphod]
Shooty: We don't want to shoot you, Beeblebrox.
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Suits me fine.
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Zaphod Beeblebrox: Hey, I thought you said you didn't want to shoot us.
Bang Bang: It isn't easy being a cop.
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Shooty: I don't go around gratuitously shooting people and then brag about it in seedy space rangers' bars. I go around gratuitously shooting people, and I agonize about it afterwards to my girlfriend.
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Shooty: Either you all give yourselves up and let us beat you up a little - though not too much, because we are firmly opposed to needless violence - or we blow up this entire planet... and one or two others that we noticed on the way over.
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Marvin: "Reverse primary thrust, Marvin." That's what they say to me. "Open airlock number 3, Marvin." "Marvin, can you pick up that piece of paper?" Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to pick up a piece of paper.
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Marvin: The first ten million years were the worst. And the second ten million: they were the worst, too. The third ten million I didn't enjoy at all. After that, I went into a bit of a decline.
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Zaphod Beeblebrox: There's a whole new life stretching out in front of you.
Marvin: Oh, not another one.
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Zaphod Beeblebrox: It's the weird color-scheme that freaks me. Every time you try to operate one of these weird black controls, which are labeled in black on a black background, a small black light lights up black to let you know you've done it.
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Zaphod Beeblebrox: Hey, Ford. How many escape capsules are there?
Ford Prefect: None.
Zaphod Beeblebrox: You counted them?
Ford Prefect: Twice.
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Lawyer Jokes
posted by Colleen Shirazi,
Friday, June 03, 2005
at 12:10 PM (Pacific)
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
Q. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A. An offer you can't understand.
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?" someone asked. "Not too bad," replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
Science Jokes
posted by Colleen Shirazi,
at 12:04 PM (Pacific)
A computer science student, an engineering student and a meteorology student are going through the desert in a jeep. Suddenly the jeep stops and they're left sitting there wondering what happened.
The engineering student pipes up, "Must be the fan belt that's broken... the engine has overheated... so we'll just have to wait till it cools down, bodge the fan belt and we'll be fine."
The meteorology student replies, "Naw, it's not that...it's just the ambient heat in this place. It's not allowing the engine to breath correctly...we just have to wait till night time..."
The comp sci student thinks about this for a minute then says, "Yeah, you might be right, but I've got an idea....What say we all get out... then get back in again?"
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A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa. They drive out into the savannah in their jeep, stop and scour the horizon with their binoculars.
The biologist: "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle: a white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebras! We'll be famous!"
The statistician: "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra."
The mathematician: "Actually, we know there exists a zebra which is white on one side."
The computer scientist: "Oh no! A special case!"
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A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The Biologist's conclusion: "They have reproduced."
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."
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What is "pi"?
Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the circumference of a circle and its diameter.
Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.000000005.
Engineer: Pi is about 3.
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Q. Why does the programmer go to sleep with 2 glasses on his bedside table?
A. One is full of water, in case he wants a drink at night.
One is empty, in case he doesn't.
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A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all umpiring a softball game. The batter hit a fly ball to the outfield that was not caught. All the runners who were on base scored easily and the batter tried to turn it into an inside the park home run. It became clear that there would be a close play at the plate and all three umpires rushed into position to make the call. They all called the batter out. The captain of the batting team went out to argue and demanded, "Why is he out?"
The engineer said, "He looked out to me, so he's out."
The physicist said, "I watched very carefully, and I saw that, at the moment that the batter was tagged, he had not touched home plate; so he's out."
The mathematician said, "He's out because I called him out."
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Four stages of acceptance:
i) this is worthless nonsense;
ii) this is an interesting, but perverse, point of view;
iii) this is true, but quite unimportant;
iv) I always said so.
-- J.B.S. Haldane, Journal of Genetics #58, 1963, p.464
Anyone got a fork?
posted by Colleen Shirazi,
Thursday, June 02, 2005
at 5:30 PM (Pacific)
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing all over, it's horrible.
The chief is appalled, and asks, "God almighty, what are you doing?"
The New Yorker says, "So much for your canoe, you stupid f***!"
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