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Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes? 'Cup of tea, cup of tea, almost got shagged, cup of tea...'
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Goon Show excerpts #1
posted by Colleen Shirazi, Saturday, December 31, 2005 at 12:38 PM (Pacific)

I've been trying to write this post ever since Christmas Eve, when I found out that the BBC online radio service was playing a couple of Goon Shows.

(If you have never heard The Goon Show, check out this link: The Goon Show Site, to get some background.)

After that, I realized that Goon Show scripts were all over the Net. I started out with the intention of copying and pasting a whole bunch of excerpts into one post, but then that would take forever to complete.

Anyhow here are a few from the above site.

Seagoon: Well, these earplugs seem to be all right. How much do you want for them?
Grytpype-Thynne: 100 pounds.
Seagoon: How much do you want for them?
Grytpype-Thynne: 100- Aha. Take your earplugs out.
Seagoon: Why don't you answer? I asked you, how much do you want for them?
Grytpype-Thynne: 100 pounds!
Seagoon: That's funny. I can't hear him.
Grytpype-Thynne: They cost 100- Look, take out the earplugs.
Seagoon: Stop all that silly miming, man! How much?
Grytpype-Thynne: 100 pounds!
Seagoon: I've had enough of this, Bloodnok. He obviously doesn't want to do business. Come on, get out, get out! Get out! You steaming English idiot.
Grytpype-Thynne: No, no, no! Look here-
[door slams]
Seagoon: 100 pounds for earplugs we can hear through? Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha! Not likely!

Bloodnok: Still too dark to see a thing. Thurn me blins! Who is it? Hands up!
Eccles: I can't put my hands up, I-
Bloodnok: Hands up or I fire!
Eccles: OK!
Eccles: OWWW!
Bloodnok: Now what's happened?
Eccles: I was riding a bike!

Robin Hood and His Merry Men
Spriggs: Ding-dong! Clang! Clang! Ding-dong-dang-dang! Hear ye! Ding-dang! Stolen! One bell!.

Seagoon: We tried using a candle, but it wasn't very bright and we daren't light it.

Seagoon: As I swam ashore, I dried myself to save time.

The Histories of Pliny the Elder
Moriarty: I see that ten years in Britain have not changed your Imperial Roman outlook, Caesar.
Caesar (G): True, Moriartus, always a Roman eye.
Moriarty: Will you take wine?
Caesar: No thanks, I think I'll have a half of mild and a packet of crisps.

The International Christmas Pudding
Henry: Do you mind taking those noisy boots off?
Eccles: OK!
Minnie: Ah, that's better.
Minnie: Oh! I didn't know he had three legs, Henry!
Henry: He hasn't, Min. He hasn't. He has a one-legged friend. Goodnight, Min.
Minnie: Goodnight, buddy.
Minnie: Ooh!
Henry: Oh! He's got two one-legged friends!
Minnie: It's that or one three-legged friend.

Seagoon: Any cases of frozen feet?
Eccles: You didn't order any cases of frozen feet!

A Christmas Carol
Seagoon: Knock-knock!
Henry: Who is it?
Seagoon: Short man, can't reach the knocker.

Cecile Chevreau: I only had eyes for him and he only had eyes for me.
Bloodnok: That explains why we fell over a cliff.

Moriarty: Pardon me, my ami. Mon card.
Seagoon: Thank you... but there's nothing on it!
Moriarty: Look on the other side.
Seagoon: Oh! A silly place to have it printed. On the back. Now what's this? 'Messrs Fred Moriarty Limited, Sunken Westminster Floating Pier Salvage Experts'? Gad! Just the man we want!
Moriarty: Sapristi! You mean the Westminster floating pier has sunk?
Seagoon: Yes!
Moriarty: At last! Employment!

Milligan: Someone's coming up the stairs, sir!
Bloodnok: What?! Quick, burn this on the fire.
Milligan: Right. What is it?
Bloodnok: A piece of coal.

More Confucius
posted by Colleen Shirazi, Tuesday, December 06, 2005 at 2:26 PM (Pacific)

Warning: sick sense of humor ahead.

Confucius say:

"Passionate kiss like spider's web-soon lead to undoing of fly."

"Virginity like bubble. One prick-all gone!"

"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."

"Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok."

"Man with one chopstick go hungry."

"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."

"Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!"

"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."

"Woman who wear G-string, high on crack."

"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse."

"Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."

"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night."

"If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people."

"It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."

"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"

"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement."

"He who fish in other man's well often catch crabs."

"Man who go to bed with sex on mind, wake up with solution in hand."

More lawyer jokes
posted by Colleen Shirazi, Sunday, December 04, 2005 at 5:20 PM (Pacific)

Apologies to all the good lawyers out there.

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch.
In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.
"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."
His partner replies, "What are you worried about? We're both here."

Q. How was copper wire invented?
A. Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.